New Jersey Ultra Festival 100k March 2012

This was supposed to be a 100 miler with my ultra-siblings John and Jen. I think Jen and I may have triple-dog dared each other back in early September. Then my world blew up and I was cancelling races left and right.
Recently I have been training again and it has been going well. I was about 2.5 months into my Vermont 100 training and I started getting the itch to race, so I signed up for the 100k. It took a lot of restraint not to check the 100 mile box because they would be getting the coveted belt buckle for finishing, but I was responsible for once and signed up for what I could pull off comfortably.
I rode to NJ with Jen, John and Scott S. We went to the pre-race dinner and we got to chat with some runners, many of them also running VT 100 next July, and I got to say hi to my marathon maniac friend/scrabble buddy also John. We got to talk to Kirsten and Scott P who were both tackling new distances the next day. We went back to the hotel, got our gear ready and got to bed early. We were back at the Fairgrounds by 6 am for my 6:45 start. The race director Rick was trying to explain to us where to go to get our 2.18 miles in before be started on our 6X10 miles loops. He asked if we had any questions and one guy raised his hand and said "I'm confused". Rick asked if there were any other questions and the rest of us raised our hands and said "I'm confused". He tried to explain it again. I asked if he wouldn't mind just running the course with us so we would not get lost. He declined.
It was go time and we were off. I ran with Scott P. for the 2 mile loop and then we started out on the official course. Once around the perimeter of the fairground, then right onto an out and back of lumpy grass, single track and some mud. Before I got on the trail I could see the 100 milers who had started 15 minutes after us. At the end there was a metal fence we had to tap and turn back the way we came. I gave it a loud "thwack!" with my celtic knot ring. It was satisfying. Back to the road, we crossed and headed out on another out-and back. This side was more interesting. There was the large puddle with the giant half-deflated beach ball, the muddy grasslands, there were multiple bridges with particle board strategically placed across to cover the gaping holes. A stream with stepping stones, you had to time it just right so you could get across before runners coming the opposite direction were on the stones. I ended up with a foot in the stream on the first lap. There was one road crossing you had to watch for cars, and another on a quiet backroad. At the end of this turn around was a small aid station. I was pretty sure there was only one woman ahead of me in the 100k race as we headed back to complete our first loop. I decided I was going to try to keep her in sight. She was about my speed. My plan backfired when halfway back she pulled to the side and let me pass. Yikes, I didn't want to pace. We talked for a moment or two, her name was Kanae (Kanaya) and this was her first 100k. I told her she looked good and that it was my second. Now I was in front and felt like I might be running just a little too fast. I was excited to see John and Jen multiple times on the course. Jen was looking super strong and chatting up a storm with a large group around her. People like to run with Jen whenever we go to an ultra because she is so friendly and takes your mind off the miles. As we passed each other she would tell me how I rock, and I would reply with "No YOU rock!". John is more of a solitary runner, he would pull out an ear bud and we would chat as we passed but other than that he is all business for the first 50 miles when he starts to warm up. Around the end of the second lap Kanae passed me back and I felt somewhat relieved. On the third lap a man that had been following me for a while took the lead and said "Thanks hun, now I'll pace you for a while". Ok? I thought. He would give me advice, some of it was good (don't look directly down in front of you, remember to eat) some of it not so much have a gel every hour (barf) stop eating salt (faint), he told me we were on a plan for a 10 hour? I wasn't sure what race he was running because I couldn't see his number, but if he was running the 100k that was too fast. I had only run one other 100k on a very hilly course, and it took me 14:58. I knew I could do this one faster, but not that fast. I realised I had to let him go, I was going too fast, I hadn't really eaten yet so I pulled out a PB&J square from my pack and ate and drank. I started running again, and with the realisation that the first place woman was out of sight, and I couldn't keep up with the pacer guy, I started to feel bad and push again. I was already tired and it was only my third lap. I wasn't even half way done, I had wanted to finish in the top 1-3 women. I had been very sad that week and pushing hard suddenly brought me over the physical threshold and tapped into the emotional trauma of losing my son. I was crying for the last mile or two of the third lap and it was making me not be able to breath. I questioned why I was doing this to myself. Everything was hard so why did I also have to be hard on myself? I wondered if I should just give myself a break and call it. I wondered if I could recover and continue even if I wanted too. I was coming into the main check point and I got myself together, but when I saw Jen's husband Scott waiting for me I lost it again and started blubbering. He asked if I was ok, and I told him I was fine physically. 3 separate people ran over to see if I was ok, was I hurt, was I nauseous? I thought they must think I was a huge baby crying after 32 miles. One woman, Maya who was running the 100 mile asked if I wanted to run with her for a bit. I said sure and stopped crying. She ran off to find her brother. Scott told me I was WAY ahead of where I thought I would be in comparison to my last 100k, and I could just take it easy for a lap. I said "you're right, I don't have to be so hard on myself". It was a good realisation. I made him promise not to tell Jen or John I cried. The last thing I wanted was anybody worrying about ME when they had to run a HUNDRED miles! I am not a crier, so it is a huge event for me to cry, especially in public. I'm tough. Even when I'm devastated my strength makes me feel better. Scott walked with me out into the fairgrounds, I asked if he would tell the nice woman with the ponytails that I had to start off on my own so I didn't talk myself out of continuing and he said he would. I saw her a while later and she told me I looked 100% better. I went out on my 4th lap taking it a bit easier. Once I backed off I was able to keep a steady pace. I felt strong, in control. My legs were tired but the sadness had subsided. At the end of the fourth loop I saw the third place woman. She had gained ground on me while I was regrouping. As I passed through the main check point I was happy again. I was back. Scott saw me coming and said "she's smiling!" Rick asked if I needed any food, but I really needed to go to the table and browse. The appetite was starting to get that-ultra funny feeling. I told them "when I grow up I want to be on my last lap". He said one more time around and I could then be on my last lap. I grabbed some fresh fruit and hit the rest room (real bathrooms that flush and have hand soap!) and went on my way. I wanted to maintain or increase my pace a bit to try and keep my position. Third would be okay, but second was definitely better. Fourth lap was uneventful. I met some cool people. A guy named Vic who had run the 100 miler last year and hated it. He was running the 100k this year and having a better time. He told me he was starting to get tired. At first he thought the beach ball was kind of cute, but by now he was starting to hate that beach ball. I was feeling grateful I had signed up for the 100k myself. I know what the last 30 of a hundred miler feels like, and was not far enough along in my training to go there. It would have been a major suffer fest. At the far aid station I was pretty nauseous. I had been using a little trick, salt pill, a mouthfull of Hammer gel, and a ginger chew
(I termed it the ginger plug) to keep it all down. They asked if I wanted anything to eat and I told them everything was starting to lose it's appeal. "Especially those!" I said and pointed to the evil Hammer gels. They asked if this was my last lap and I told them I would come to see them one more time and that would be it. One of the guys said "We're breaking up?"
"We're through!" I replied.
I made it back to the fairgrounds and told Scott I was just doing a drive through, I didn't want to get passed on my last lap. He said "you go!" and I did. Lap 6 was rewarding. It wasn't easy, 62 miles still isn't easy, but I was able to keep my pace, I got to see my friends, I got to come back from my low and conquer my goal. I passed the pacer guy from earlier in the race. He said the wheels had come off. I tried to get him to follow me in but he didn't think he could. I saw Kanae on the course and she was so strong and steady. She deserved to win and I was impressed. I saw the girl that had been in third and she had fallen back quite a bit, looked like her leg might be hurt. I hoped she was ok because she was nice too. When I got within sight of the finish line I started sprinting. It was fun and the people in the cars and camp ground cheered. I crossed the finish and they told me I was second place female, 7th over all. I was extremely happy. I thought I might have been second, but I really didn't know until that point. They gave me my metal, a sweatshirt and let me pick a prize from the table for being second. I chose a handheld for Jack. At 12 hours and 31 minutes I had a new 100k PR! I saw Kanae and gave her a hug, I was so impressed that she did so well on her first 100k.
They say you live a lifetime in an ultra. It's an exaggeration, but it is a good metaphor. Life can be 62 miles of suck, but if you can get through to that 5 minutes of happy, its worth working for. It may be fleeting, but it is there for you to grab. And there are other fleeting moments of happy out there. Although my life was absolutely devastated this past year, there are still tiny flecks of light to be found. I know that in July there will be a little speck of magic. I'd travel a 100 miles for that.
Huge congrats to Scott P. Kirsten, John on his kick-ass 100 mile PR, and Jen for being able to power through 20 miles of excruciating pain to get that damn buckle. Huge thanks to Scott for being a rock. Sorry you had to see the ugly side, but believe us, it's worth it.